A matter of trust
by carylfan10
Summary: Olivia doesn't tell the whole truth about what happened in Undercover. She becomes pregnant but Elliot could be the father. She will finally be a mother, but at what cost? she is afraid of turning into her mom. And she worries about Elliot's reaction
1. Chapter 1

_A matter of trust, part 1_

Elliot is not the father of baby Eli. That's why Kathy was so desperate to name him after his father; she, too, had had an affair. But while Elliot was honest with her when she asked about what happened during their separation, she hadn't expected him to ask that same question in return. Kathy tried to justify the lie by not wanting to worry Elliot even more than he already was. She could sense he wasn't overly enthusiastic about this child. And she knew that he usually trusted his cop instincts. There was just too much at stake to tell her husband the truth.

However, what she never counted on was Olivia bumping into her and her "friend" at a coffee shop. This male friend was holding the baby. As soon as Kathy spotted Olivia she tried to leave. But Olivia just couldn't help but confront her.

"What's going on here?"

"Nothing. This is my..cousin."

"Oh okay. Then Elliot knows that he's in town. Is he staying with you two?"

The man looked confused. "Cousin?"

Now Kathy was in a bind. The man handed Eli back to Kathy. "I think I'm done here. " Then he looked at Olivia.

"She told me she wasn't in love with him. I thought they were together because of the kids."

"Oh come on." Olivia glared at Kathy, then back at the boyfriend. "That is the oldest lie in the book. A well dressed man such as you couldn't possibly believe that. I don't care what she told you."

"Please don't tell Elliot. It would kill him."

"Not as much as finding out the truth about the baby. And we have a partnership based on honesty. I'm sorry, Kathy. I really am. I'll give you 24 hours to tell him. And if you don't, I will. And you can take that to the bank."

- - - - - - - - - -- - - -- --

Her loyalty lay with Elliot, of course. But she doesn't want to hurt him either. He keeps making comments about staying late to avoid diaper duty. He might already know something was up.

_The Undercover incident then happened before she could tell Elliot._

At that point she was in shock, to say the least. She would have to postpone telling Elliot the truth, until she felt better. All she wanted was to nail the asshole that had hurt her, and she knew Elliot was the one person who would help her heal. At the same time she missed him, he hadn't been there in her time of need. She was grateful to Fin, of course, but she couldn't help but feel sad that her own partner hadn't been there when she needed him the most. The news about Eli's paternity would just have to wait until she could think clearly. Of course she was torn, but her mind just blocked out anything that didn't have to deal with healing.

_At Elliot's house…._

But what she couldn't have known is that Elliot he received a summons early in the day. That was why he called in sick. Another man wanted a DNA test. So Elliot blew up at Kathy. Kathy wanted to blame someone, anything to take the focus off of her affair.

"I'm surprised Olivia didn't tell you already."

"Olivia knows? No she doesn't. If she knew she would have told me. She doesn't keep secrets from me."

"Maybe you don't know her as well as you think."

"You know what, you leave her out of this. She has nothing to do with your lies. She saved your life! She saved our…your son! You ought to be grateful for all that she's done for our family. I sure am. She is the one person in my life who I can trust. I don't expect you to understand that."

"But if she cares about you the way you think she does, why wouldn't she mention it? Maybe she really doesn't care about you, not the way you want her to."

"Stop it! You are the liar. You are the cheater."

"You cheated first. You told me so yourself. So if you want to blame someone, blame yourself."

Elliot stormed out. He couldn't stand one more minute with her.

_One the way to the station…_

Elliot of course felt betrayed. They had always spoken the truth to each other now matter how hard it was. Olivia knew that Eli wasn't his…that was unforgettable. Maybe she found out during the car accident. Kathy could have given a deathbed confession. He just couldn't understand how Olivia could keep such a secret. He probably shouldn't have gone to confront his partner, but, as usual, he acted upon his first instinct.


	2. Chapter 2

_A matter of trust, part two…._

_Also on the way to the station…_

Olivia wanted to meet with Elliot .She was sure someone had told him what happened. But it would be therapeutic for her to talk with him. She could trust him with her life. He was probably working so she drove to the station. She was ready to talk to him.

"Fin," Cragen said. "I need to see you in the office."

"What's up?"

"Well you know that Elliot's been off for a few days, for family reasons." He knew what had happened, but there was no way he could reveal Stabler's secret. "I'm not at liberty to discuss what had happened with Elliot, or at the prison. I'm not out there. I can't control water cooler talk. But I trust that you can?"

Fin knew what he meant. Cragen couldn't, but Fin had a way of dealing with his coworkers. "No problem. I'll handle it. Does he know?"

"Frankly that's between the two of them. Our job is to keep an eye out for Olivia. You know, if the press finds out about any of this...that's the last thing Olivia needs. All of her focus should be on recovery, not answering questions."

Fin nodded.

"I'm not finished. I don't want Elliot to hear about it from you. Or anyone else. I have to leave town tomorrow. One of my old partners from the good old days is being buried .I'm placing you in charge. That means desk duty. I know that may not be what you wanted to hear. But it's not because you did anything wrong. In fact, with Olivia and Elliot gone, I could probably use you more on the streets. I would consider it a personal favor. But I want to be called if they show up. I don't expect either of them to be back until Monday, but you know that might not be the case."

"You got it, Captain. "

"One more thing you should know…Harris is in isolation, for his own protection, as well as for Elliot's. Under no circumstances do I want him anywhere near Harris. " He shook his head, thinking about it. "Like I said Elliot doesn't know, but if he did…well…. Harris wouldn't live long enough for Casey to send him to death row. "

_At the station, after Cragen left…_

Saturday afternoon and the station was suspiciously quiet. Good, Fin thought. No hassles.

Olivia walked in. She didn't look good, her face was pretty swollen. But she wore sunglasses to help cover up some of the bruises.

"Fin…"

"you shouldn't be here. You need some rest."

"I'm fine. I'd rather come in on a slow day… you know… "

"Gotcha……you know…." Apologies really weren't his thing. "I feel bad for what I did… I never should have…"

"You saved my life Fin! If you hadn't gotten there…." She looked down at the desk and started shuffling papers around. "You have any aspirin? I ran out a few weeks ago."

"No but I'll run to the corner store. You gonna be okay here by yourself? You can always ride with me."

"No thank you. I just need to be by myself for a few minutes."

_After Fin left…._

"You wanna explain yourself?" Elliot furiously walked up to her, unable to disguise the anger in his voice. He of course hadn't been informed of the developments in her undercover case.

She looked confused. "Calm down. What is going on?"

"You know what's going on! In fact you've known what's going on for awhile. But you kept your mouth shut. How could you not have told me?"

Olivia was hurt. She didn't even consider the real reason for his anger. After her assault Kathy's lies about Eli's paternity was the last thing on her mind. She assumed he was worried because of the attempted rape.

"I would have told you….you've been gone…."

"Oh so now its my fault? I don't think so. It's not like you to keep secrets from me. I can't trust Kathy. I thought I could trust you. And now…I can't even look at you." He was out of line and he knew it. This anger wasn't about Olivia, but in his mind, she provided the safe place he could turn to when he felt this bad.

Now it's was Olivia's turn to get angry. "What about you? You weren't there for me when I needed it…where were you, Elliot? You don't hear me going around crying about everything…"

"So now I'm a crybaby? Tell me, how would you feel when you found out your partner couldn't be trusted?"

Olivia threw her glasses onto the desk. Elliot gasped.

"You wanna talk secrets? Okay Elliot here's a secret for you. I was almost killed. I was raped, Elliot. No one knows that fact except for you. You were the one I wanted to tell. And you weren't there. So you'll have to forgive my not sticking my nose in your business while I tend to my own. Are you happy now? So you come in talking trash about me. I get why you are upset with me. You have some anger issues with women? If that's the case…" By this time she was crying. "I guess now I have trust issues with men. You want a woman who won't keep secrets? Well this is no secret…. I want a new partner."

"Liv you don't mean that…I'm sorry. " He instinctively touched her shoulder, causing her to jerk back. "Anyways it's that animal that has the real issues with women." Immediately he regretted what he had said. That totally came across badly, and he knew it. He reached out to her.

"Don't you touch me!! Your wife won't touch you so now you come to me, is that it? Now that I'm damaged goods you get to play savior..I don't need a savior. I don't need anyone. And I certainly don't need you." Of course she didn't mean that, but the shock of everything that had happened to her was still messing with her mind. "What I want is a new partner."

"Liv…I didn't know…."

"You weren't there for me…" She shook her head in disgust. "Forget it. Just because you deal with these things doesn't mean you would understand me now…"

"I swear to God I would have been there. I should never have called off sick. Believe me that is something I will have to live with for the rest of my life, which I know that doesn't even compare with what you have to live with. I'm so sorry, LIv. It's just that..well…I found out about Kathy and the baby…I just couldn't…" He couldn't help but stare at the bruises on her face. "Please don't shut me out. You don't know…"

"I don't know what Elliot? That you don't care about me? You come in here talking about yourself…you don't even ask who did this to me?"

"I care Olivia. That's the problem…I care too much. Of course I want to kill the bastard who did this to you. But..I don't know…maybe this is stupid."

Olivia felt bad for taking out her anger on him. "What's stupid? Come on, say it. It couldn't sound more stupid than some of the crap you've just said."

"Don't do this to me. You know as well as I do that I'm not the issue. Please don't shut me out. I know you better than anyone else…I care..I do love you."

She was stunned. "What did you say?"

He rubbed his eyes. It had been a very long day. "I don't know. I don't know anymore. I'm confused. All I know is that I want to be here for you. But you don't want me now…I don't blame you. I must seem like an insensitive jerk.."

"So you don't know what you want?" She grabbed her purse. "I'm not going to do this. I need to take care of myself."

"Liv….please don't go…"

"It's too late Elliot. You said it yourself. You don't know what you want."

He followed her out the elevator. "What about you? You don't want me to fight this thing for you, you don't want me to walk away from my family…and now you don't want to be my partner? What, Liv…what do you want?"

Right before the door shut she looked him in the eyes. "You, El. I want you. But not like this."

The door shut before he could answer.


	3. Chapter 3

_A matter of trust part 3._

_After sitting at the station, staring at the paperwork that he could not complete…_

He didn't even bother to go home. Elliot checked into a hotel room, after stopping to pick up a 6 pack. This was the longest day of his life.

2 am the there was a knock on his hotel door.

"I told you no room service! Can't you read the sign?"

"Don't make me kick the door down."

He cracked it open slightly. "Liv…come in…how did you find me?"

" I wouldn't be a good detective if I couldn't track you down, right?"

"You shouldn't be here. You should be resting…"

"I just can't go back to my place yet. Not yet. And besides… you are my family. Like you said, you are the only family I have."

The door opened for her, and was quickly shut. "Yeah family is a subjective term isn't it."

She raised her eyebrow. "Maybe I should leave."

"no. Don't. " He answered a little too quickly. "Please stay. If you want to. You don't have to, you know. I just can't say anything right tonight. I understand if you.."

"If I didn't want to be here, I wouldn't. But I just needed a safe place tonight. You don't know what happened with Fin…well there's more than you know…"

"What did Fin do?" Elliot couldn't disguise his voice. "Did he hurt you?"

"Calm down. He did his job." She sighed, as she sat on the bed. "This is one ugly comforter. Couldn't you have asked for a better room?" Now she knew she couldn't tell Elliot everything that happened. If she couldn't stop thinking about the look on Fin's face as he kicked her, her partner sure wouldn't be able to. Olivia knew that he was doing what he had to do. But Elliot would never see it that way. Her job was therapeutic and she needed the routine of seeing her work friends. They were as close to a family as she would ever have.

"I wasn't exactly expecting company. But maybe you're right.. I should go get us a room with two beds. You want to come with me?"

If he didn't know any better he's sworn that she looked disappointed. "Look Liv…" he sat down beside her. The sound of his voice, the smell of his cologne, the familiar shirt….she felt better just by being with him.

"no," she whispered. Don't."

Now Elliot was confused. She sure was sitting close to him, and now she'd put her hand on his lap. He could always figure out a perp's motive, even though he despised the crimes. But put Olivia in his room with him, and he was clueless.

"What do want Liv…I'll do anything to make you feel better. You're not alone, you know that." He stood up to grab the six pack. "Want one?"

"You read my mind, once again, Stabler." She smiled at him.

A few beers later they were both feeling good. Elliot started telling some of his stories, and she couldn't help but laugh with him. It was a mutual agreement that there is nothing in the world like being with someone who "gets "you. Elliot was standing up to go buy some more beer.

"You gonna be okay?"

What happened next threw him off guard. Olivia walked up to him and put her arms around his neck ,and looked into his eyes. "Liv.." he whispered. "Maybe you should sit down."

That pissed her off. "What, you can't even be affectionate with me? I'm hungry…no I'm starving..for some affection…and the one person in the world that I trust won't even hold me."

She threw herself down on the bed, face down. There was no way she could let him see her like that.

This time, there was no confusion for Elliot. He lay down beside her, wrapped his arm around her, and they fell asleep.

_Olivia drifts off …._

"no…you think this man wants you?" Harris sneered. The dream was so real that Olivia forgot where she was at. "Get out of here! Get out of here now…"

"Look, you have a man in bed with you…did he touch you..did he kiss you…does he want you? Who's the bitch now!"

"Elliot!!" she screamed loudly as she straight up in the bed. "Elliot…"

"ssh, baby, calm down. Come here, " she sat down and rested her head against his chest, barely able to breathe. He kissed the top of her hair. "It's okay honey. What happened? I'm not going anywhere…."

"I'm scared El. I don't ever get scared. What's wrong with me?" she sobbed.

"There's not a damn thing wrong with you. You're strong and you've just been through hell…and you've survived. Can't you see that?"

She turned around to face him. She put hands on his face. Then she shocked both herself and her partner by kissing him. It was the soft and lingering kind, just two lovers alone from the rest of the world.

Elliot pulled away and stepped up from the bed. He was not the kind of monster who would take advantage of any woman, especially Olivia. Then why was she crying.

" I can't be with you…not like this…I can't kiss you…" He knew that he deserved the pillow that she'd slammed at his face.

"You can't or you won't El? Which is it? I need you more than ever and apparently you don't find me attractive …anymore…." She buried her head into her hands. The bruises were quite clear, and it looked like of her tears irritated the scrape on her face.

"what do you want from me Liv? I can't win" If I let you kiss me than Im just as guilty as that asshole in prison..you don't have to tell me what he did to you…I know it…okay? And I would give up anything in the world to be with you. You're the kind of woman who would never speak to me in the outside world. Hell I'm lucky that you even talk to me at work. I trust you with all my life. I want to kill Harris more than you know. The only thing that has stopped me is that I knew that you needed me more than you needed him dead.." Oh God, he thought, she 's probably going to slap me. "My feelings for you are stronger than my feelings for revenge if that means anything to you."

"You're right, El. " She whispered. "I don't want to be reminded of anything…the only thing in the world that I trust…I need you right now. I don't want you to think I'm this clingy and needy.."

"ssh" he put his finger on his lip. "what do you want from me"

"I want you to be with me tonight."

He couldn't believe what he had heard. If he made the wrong decision either way he would lose her.

"Please, El. I don't feel safe anymore, I don't feel like myself;;;;he took a lot from me. But I can't explain it…but I want to feel desirable. Rape is noting but power. I want to feel pretty.. I want my power back. "

He pulled her into an embrace. "You're not just pretty. You are beautiful. Hell I can't believe I work with someone as beautiful as you are. I..am not so good with the ladies….what do you want me to do? It's been awhile.."

"I want to be with you, El. I have for a long time, but it's the right time. We're not angry with each other, we just care….we have been thinking that it's a bad thing. But what if it's not El?" What if this is really good thing. I've wanted to be with you. I can't let that man take my feelings too…"

Suddenly it was clear for the both of them, that this was something they both wanted. The circumstances were horrible, but they could both make a decision, to discover new ways of sharing their bond. Now that she had faced the worst, suddenly, loving her partner wasn't nearly as scary as she had thought it was.

Now he was lying on top of her, that was too much for her to start with, so she gently turned to her side so that she could look him in the eyes. They had that intimacy of eye contatct withough the immedieate need to perform.

"all you have to do…"

She knew what he was going to say. If she let him say that, is she even let him entertain that notion, than nothing would ever be able to happen between them. The whole point of her wanting to be intimate with Elliot was about breaking the bonds that were hurting Olivia. If she thought for one minute that Elliot wouldn't understand what she was asking for then she wouldn't be laying beside him, caressing his back. This had nothing to do with rape and they both knew it.

"I want to be with you ,El. I trust you. I always have."

Elliot bit his lip. How good it felt to hear those words. His marriage to Kathy had been built on distrust, after she got pregnant. But to have a woman trusting him, living in moment, and --the best part— it was Olivia. She was letting him be part of her. That trust he would never betray in his life.

Then she pulled him closer for the kiss. He touched her gently. He accidentally touched on of the bruises.

"It's okay. I'm glad you see them. They're there. But so are you." She smiled sweetly at him.

Olivia did undress herself. She wasn't quite ready to have someone helping her with her bra. But Elliot just kept looking her in the eyes. If it was about a cheap and drunken fling then he would be checking her whole body out. His loving glance reaffirmed that this was the right thing to do. Harris was wrong. Elliot wanted her, and he cared about her. Maybe..just maybe…he might even love her."

The sex was sweet, and playful at times. It felt good to laugh, even in the moments of rest. It was not an uncomfortable laugh;rather it was a sign of the joy they both were feeling. Nothing else mattered, just they wanted to please the other. Elliot woud say something silly and she would pretend to hide under the covers, but he always found her. The laughter and the lights in their eyes led to more kissing. This went on for hours, it seemed. Finally they both started to drift off to sleep. Elliot wrapped his arms around her, and she didn't protest.

The sunlight finally shone through and they woke up. Olivia couldn't help but smile, even though she knew Elliot was looking at her.

"If you think I'm making you pancakes you'd better think again. " She teased.

"Do you have to leave?"

"no, El, I don't want to be anywhere else." She thought about Melinda's words, that she needed to get checked out. That there were things- pills- they could give her, just in case. But Olivia had been in such shock and denial she never even thought about it.

"You're staying?"

"Yeah. I think I am." She smiled at him. "Are you?"

"You couldn't get rid of me if you tried."

"You're right about that. I have tried. " she laughed. "Lord knows I've tried."

_Part 4 will be coming shortly…Olivia will have to face the shock of her life…she may lose everything over her choice…._


	4. Chapter 4

Olivia's mood changes over the past few month or so had not gone unnoticed. Munch had even made a comment to Fin about her probably being on antidepressants.

"I thought you didn't believe in those pills. You think that the pharmaceutical companies are just plotting to get people hooked to make money."

"Don't get me wrong. I stick to my beliefs. However, I can't help but wonder why she's so happy after all of a sudden, considering everything she's been though."

"She's probably just relieved to put everything behind her. Can't say I blame her. Maybe you just aren't giving her as much credit as she deserves." Fin still felt bad that things hadn't been quite the same between him and Olivia. She avoided him, although she was polite whenever she talked to him.

"But still…she seems to be pretty happy."

"You know her, she's a tough cookie. I'm sure that she's been hitting the gym a lot lately. Gets those endorphins going. "

"Who's been hitting the gym? " Elliot asked

"My old lady." Munch lied.

Elliot didn't believe him, but decided to let it drop. "Have either of you seen Olivia today?"

"not today. I think she took a vacation day."

That puzzled Elliot. She hadn't mentioned to him that she wouldn't be in that day. He made a mental note to call her on his break.

But it turns out Munch was wrong. Olivia strolled in about an hour late.

"Hot date keep you up last night?" Elliot teased. All he got in response was a dirty look. Wow, that was unlike her. They'd been dating for awhile and everything had being going well. He was happier than he'd been in a very long time.

"Olivia…" Cragen beckoned. " My office, now."

Busted. She couldn't even sneak in late one time.

"Where have you been?"

"I, uh, wasn't feeling well this morning. I'm sorry, it won't happen again."

"This is not like you. Everything okay?"

She nodded. "Just haven't been sleeping well lately. I'll be alright. "

"Olivia, is there anything you'd like to talk about? I mean..you just haven't been yourself lately. Stabler says you were a little sick at the crime scene a few days ago. "

"Captain ..with Harris's trial being postponed so many times, I just think that maybe that's wearing me down a little bit. I promise it won't happen again." Olivia felt bad for bringing that case up. The last thing she wanted was for anyone to feel sorry for her. In this case, though, she didn't want the Captain to think she couldn't handle stress anymore. It annoyed her that Elliot had mentioned that.

"I thought that's what it might be. If you need anything I'm here. And you should talk to Huang by the end of this week.""I will. thank you sir."

On her way out, he mentioned one more thing. "By the way, company physical's today. "

Later that day she received the shock of her life.

"are you sure? There must be some mistake."

"No, Detective," the doctor shook her head. " The urine and blood test both came up positive. You are pregnant."

"Oh God, oh no…tell me this isn't happening."

" I can send someone in to talk to you about…options. But I'd like to give you a few days to think about it, to consult with the father. Ultimately you know it's your choice."

"I know it is. But thank you." She shook her head with disbelief. The father….it would have to be Harris's child. Her gut feeling told her it was. No..how could this happen….she would turn out like her mother after all.

Later that day she went back to work, but decided to take a nap. She couldn't face anyone right now. Especially not Elliot.

Before she could go back, he approached her with a cup of coffee. "You okay?"

" I appreciate the offer..but I'm going to catch some sleep."

"can we talk for a minute? Out in the hallway, I mean?"

She felt badly for him. Despite what was going on, his presence was always reassuring.

"What's up?"

" I was just wondering..if we're okay. I mean, if you're okay." The Freudian slip did not go unnoticed.

'yeah…sure…of course. Why do you ask?"

"Well I just got back the results of the DNA test"

Olivia's heart skipped a beat. He couldn't have known about the pregnancy.

"Eli's not mine, Liv. "

Out of curiousity, she asked him. "Well what does that mean? Are you going back to the house? Are you going be part of his life?" The way he reacted would tell her exactly what she needed to know. If he couldn't accept another man's baby by his wife, then how could he accept her child? Especially if this was a child of rape. From her personal experience growing up she knew that was something even the strongest of men couldn't deal with.

She touched his shoulder. "I'm sorry."

"Not your fault. You weren't the one who deceived me for a year. You're nothing like Kathy. You'd never do to me what she's done. You'd never to that to anyone. "

"I'm not a saint, Elliot. I make mistakes too."

"I never said you don't. All I meant was that you're the kind of woman who does the right thing even it's difficult. "

"Please don't put me on a pedestal. Maybe you don't know me as well you think you do. I have to go now. I'm tired…"

"Yeah, okay. Sure. Take it easy."

Olivia decided she needed to find a female friend to confide in. So she called Melinda.

Later that evening…..

Melinda met Olivia at a restaurant close to her apartment. She would have to get back home to her family, but she was glad Olivia trusted her.

"What's going on?"

Olivia didn't even know how to begin. "How are you?"

"what's going on. You don't look like you're feeling well. You're just picking at that salad. " She smiled at her friend. "You know that you can talk to me. Is it the job?"

Olivia looked down at her plate. "no."

"Okay I'll let it go…"

"I'm pregnant Melinda."There, she got it out.

Melinda was visibly shocked. "You're what? Olivia..look at me… Is this a good thing?"

"I don't think so. It's horrible. It was not planned…I don't know what I'm going to." Her pregnancy hormones had kicked in, and it was all she could do not to cry.

_What can I say? That it might be the result of a rape? Or that a married man is the father? Or I love Elliot and everything will be okay?_

"How far are you?"

"Four months."

"oh no Olivia…." She did the math. "you don't have to answer this…but at the prison, when you said nothing happened…"

All Olivia could do was nod her head, that yes, more had happened there than what she'd told anyone.

"I'm so sorry. I am. " She squeezed Olivia's hand. "I'm here for you no matter what you decide."

"I don't know what to do. I'm scared. I never in a million years thought that this could happen to me. I mean my head tells me this wasn't my fault. But then I keep thinking that if I hadn't put myself in that situation…"

"Olivia, stop. No woman puts herself in that situation. What happened was not your fault. I'm just sorry that you have been holding all of this in. I'm glad you talked to me."

"I am too. Thank you. I mean I can't hide this much longer. I have to tell my boss. I only found out because of the company physical- and he will get the results. I don't have time to think about what I want. If I tell him, then he will do the math..Everyone will know who the father is. I can't work with everyone feeling sorry for me."

"I don't think anyone will feel sorry for you. You have to give people a chance to love you. You've gotten hardened and maybe you don't realize how wonderful your friends can be. I myself respect you that much more…your coworkers are your family. They will support you through this. You are not alone." She paused. "this may be none of my business…but does Elliot know?"

"I can't talk about Elliot." And she knew that she couldn't, even as much as she wanted to. As a partner, she realized that it would be unethical, at the very least, to discuss his private life with anyone. And as his girlfriend…well, she just didn't want to cause anymore stress in his life than what he was going through. Why couldn't this be simple? It would be bad enough for people to realize that she was pregnant; she could handle that. But people might not understand what she and Elliot shared. Imagine if they couldn't be partners anymore…she just couldn't think about that.

"no, he doesn't. He doesn't have to deal with my issues…"

"Olivia, maybe you should give him some credit. I don't know him that well, but I think that it might help if you told him…"

"No, you don't get it. I can't talk about it, with him or anyone else. I don't even know if I'm going to continue with the pregnancy."

"Under these circumstances…"

"you don't know the half of it. I am seeing someone…and I just don't know how he would feel about everything. I can't put him through all of this. I don't even know what kind of mother I would be. Maybe.. I'll be like my mom."

The waiter brought the bill.

"I've got it, Olivia. You just take care of yourself."

Finally Olivia got up the never to ask what she'd really wanted to know. "Would you be able to do DNA testing…"

"I thought that's what you might ask. I'll be glad to help you…but you should know that there are risks. There are a lot of factors that could hurt the baby. It's your choice."

"As my friend, do you think I should go ahead with the tests?"

"Professionally, I have to caution you that there are risks involved…you could lose the baby."

"this is a no-win situation Melinda. This very well could be my only chance to be a mother. It shouldn't have happened this way. If I keep it, I don't know how it will affect my job. I don't know how it will affect me." She sighed.

_Either way, I'll lose Elliot. The one person I care about the most is the person who will be hurt the most by the choice I make._


	5. Chapter 5

Elliott had had a court date to start divorce proceedings, so he took a week's vacation. Olivia was relieved because that bought her some more time. She hadn't told anyone but Melinda about her condition, although she was starting to put on some weight.

"Liv…my office now.." Cragen bellowed.

Great, she was getting tired of hearing that . Maybe the physical results were in so she prepared herself for the worst.

"We have a phone call…hostage situation…the mother is holding her 3 month old hostage…apparently this is a crack baby and children's services found out. This child needs medicine and won't survive very long without it. The parents won't open the door and is making threats. Hopefully the mom might listen to you because she appears to think every man is out to get her. Get geared up. We don't know what kind of weapons she might have, so wear your vest. Fin's going with you. "

Good, he hadn't found out yet. She would tell him…next week. It would be best if he heard it from her personally. Maybe she should tell him…but then again that baby needed her. Olivia's first reaction was to act as a part of the team, and not as a mother. That maternal instinct just hadn't kicked in yet.

Crap, she thought. The vest didn't fit. She found that out as she put it on outside of the building. Pray for the best, she thought. She'd been wearing baggy sweatshirts and just didn't think about her expanding waistline. Well in this case she would just have to trust Fin.

"Open up. Melody…are you in there? Please let me know you can hear me. My name's Olivia. I'm here to help you."

No answer, but she could hear the baby crying.

"Please talk to me. I brought you some formula and diapers. I just want to help you. I want to help."

"Who's with you?" the voice called out.

Olivia nodded at Fin. He stood back into the hallway. "I'm right here." He whispered.

"No one. Please let me in."

"Who was that man? I saw him."

"He was a tenant from downstairs. I told him to go back to his apartment, that there was nothing here to see."

The mom opened the door slowly. "You say you got formula?" Olivia could see this woman was strung out.

" Yes. See?" Please just let me in."

She opened the door. Before Olivia knew what had happened a man grabbed her and pulled her in. He grabbed her gun and threw it towards the mom.

"Don't hurt me. We can work this .."

"Shut up lady. I know you're a cop. I told her not to open the door." He lifted her off the ground. "Do as I say and you won't get hurt. Give me the gun."

"I don't have one. Just let me.."

"Shut up.Mel…gimmie the baby."

By now the little child was screaming loudly.

The man, who was clearly on meth, let go of Olivia but now had the baby, who was in the car seat.

"Please don't hurt me."

"Tell your friend that you're fine. If you let us go you'll get the kid."

The baby, meanwhile, kept crying.

"I mean it…you got your little radio on you somewhere. Shut that kid up!"

"please…I can get her to stop crying." The mother took the baby, and handed her to Olivia. It was hard not to think of how she had delivered Eli. "Shh it's okay."

Meanwhile the police had figured out how to pick up the signals from the baby monitor. Once they heard that Olivia and the baby were safe, they barged in, with guns ready to go.

The father shot the first bullet. Olivia ducked down, holding the baby close to her. The bullet just barely missed her.

But Fin was a good shot, and took the man down. The cops took the baby's mother, and called for a bus.

"Liv, you alright?"

"No…I'm not." She couldn't help it, she started to cry.

Fin noticed that her vest hadn't been fastened, and he noticed the little tummy she was getting. Suddenly everything made sense..the mood swings, the extra doughnuts she'd grabbed first thing in the morning. Olivia was pregnant.

She looked as shaken up as she had on the day that man had almost raped her. At least that's what she had told everyone. Now he had to wonder.

Fin took the baby, and went outside. He handed her over, then he placed a phone call. He wasn't sure who to call, Cragen or Stabler. Olivia looked so scared, and he figured she was alone. He knew exactly who to call.

"I'm glad you're here." Huang said. "Can I get you anything?"

"no. I'm good. I know the drill."

"Do you?"

She looked away from him. "I can't do this anymore."

"Is that why you turned in your badge and gun? Because you're burnt out?"

"no. I'm sure you must have it figured out by now."

"Why don't you tell me." He pressed.

" I … lied, George. I've been lying to everyone. I'm pregnant."

"that doesn't sound like a lie. You haven't told anyone because you're in denial."

"No you don't understand. The prison…"

"you don't have to talk about it . I already know."

"How did you…oh that's right…you can read people."

"this isn't about my job, Olivia. I'm here because I care."

"no you're here because Cragen sent you."

"He doesn't know."

"Who sent you?"

"Fin. Off the record. He knows that you were upset because your life was in danger tonight."

"My life's in danger anytime I take an assignment. I know that."

He smiled. "Exactly. So what made tonight different?"

"I don't know…"

"I think you do know, don't you. You put your life in danger because you care about people. You love your job. Is it possible you love something as much as your job..maybe more?"

She nodded, praying that he didn't realize that the first image that came to mind was Elliot, not the baby. She may have slowly begun to bond with the life inside her, but the bond she had with Elliot had developed over ten years.

"you're right. This isn't just about me anymore." Again, she thought of Elliot. If it was his child he would be hurt that she hadn't told him. She almost lost him when she didn't tell him about Eli's true paternity.

Huang knew that she needed to be alone. "Excuse me for a minute."

She picked up her cell phone. " El?"

He impatiently waited for her outside of his apartment. So much had happened, that he couldn't wait to share with her. But more importantly, she was turning to him for support. He wasn't good at asking for support himself, but he sure could provide it.

She changed clothes before driving to his house. This time, she didn't wear a baggy shirt. There was no more hiding her pregnancy. No more hiding from Elliot.


	6. Chapter 6

Olivia figured Elliot might say something about her stomach, but he didn't. Probably didn't notice because it was dark out, and only the porch light was on. Just like old times, she sat next to him. They didn't always have to talk to communicate. So she just rested her head on his shoulders for awhile.

After awhile, he pulled back. "I'm going to grab a beer. You want one?"

"No, thank you anyways."

"Okay, " he sat back down. " It's not good for me to drink alone anyways."

"Good idea. For awhile there myself I thought that I might be one bad date away from being one of those ladies who lives alone with 80 cats."

He chuckled. "You'll never be alone."

She smiled about him. There was just something about him that comforter her, no matter where they were at. Sometimes he was a man of few words, but he said those at the exact time that she needed to hear them the most.

"El.." she was ready to tell him. But at the same time he started to speak. " I've been meaning to talk to you."

"Go ahead." They both said at the same time.

"Liv..I owe you an apology."

She was visibly startled. "For what?"

"I haven't been there for you lately. I know we were spending a lot of time together.."

"You don't owe me an explanation. I'm not one of those clingy women."

He nodded in agreement. There was no doubt she was quite independent; that made him appreciate the moments like tonight when she turned to him when she had something on her mind.

"I still feel bad but we haven't really spent anytime together lately. You've been sick and spending more time at the desk..I've been pretty messed up with the whole Kathy thing. I don't see my kids as much as I would like to. This whole single parenting just…well…it sucks."

Right then Olivia knew that she had to tell Elliot. If she didn't tell him now, it would feel as if she was lying him, that she was no better than Kathy.

"I'm pregnant."

"What? That's not…" he looked at her. "That's not possible, is it? I thought you were on the pill."

"I had stopped for awhile. I figured you actually had to have sex to need birth control." She laughed nervously. "I never expected that we would be together. I know that's not an excuse..I was going to start up again…we just haven't spent anytime together lately. I started to think that maybe I was a one-night stand."

"you'll never be a one-night stand." He answered so quickly that she knew that he meant it. "I wanted to be with you again. That night was incredible. But I just didn't want you to regret it."

"I'll never regret it. You were there on the darkest night of my life." She took his hand. "I don't think that I could have survived that..what happened to me…if you hadn't been there for me." And it was the truth."I could never have been with anyone else but you."

"that's part of the reason I drew back. I didn't want you to think I would take advantage of you."

She felt disappointed. Did he really mean that he didn't want to be with her? Did he think that it was a mistake? Was he trying to back out of their relationship because she was pregnant.

As usual, she put up a brave front. If he didn't want to talk about feelings then she certainly didn't want to make him uncomfortable. "Maybe I made a mistake. This probably wouldn't have been a good idea anyways. It could have ruined our careers."

Elliot was frustrated. Why couldn't he just tell her how he really felt? In a way, she was right; a 10 year partnership was something that he didn't want to lose. But he suspected that things had changed between them. The question was, could he really take that chance of losing her? Now that she was pregnant, things had definitely changed.

"Liv, you don't know how hard it is for me to talk about this stuff. That was the reason Kathy left me. I could talk about everything else but how I really felt. I survived. But I don't know what I would do if I were to lose you.You know me better than anyone else. Probably even better than I know myself. "

She touched his face gently. "I won't leave unless you want me too." Then she kissed him. He didn't protest. The kiss seemed to last forever, almost as if they were both teenagers again.

"Don't leave." He whispered. "You want…you want to come in?"

She knew what he meant. He wanted her to spend the night. And that was what she wanted more than anything at that moment. After all, there was nothing they could really say. They were both scared of what would happen next. Another kiss was all the answer he needed. He took her hand and led her into the house.

After making love, Olivia fell asleep. But he couldn't. There were too many things to think about. The last thing he wanted to do was to hurt her. At the same time, there was nothing he wanted more than to be with her. She looked like an angel sleeping so peacefully. Now, for the first time, he noticed her stomach. She was going to be a mother. That was her lifelong dream, and he made that dream come true for her. He couldn't help but place his hand on her stomach. That was child..they shared something wonderful. There was no doubt in his mind that this was a good thing. He would always be a part of her life, and that was a wonderful thing.

The touch of his hand woke Olivia up. "Hey there."

"I'm sorry…"

"Please stop apologizing. I'm happy."

"you are?"

"More than you know."

"Me too. I meant it..when I told you that I love you."

" I love you too. But there's something you should know, before we go any further."

They both sat up, there backs against the headboard. "The baby…it might not be yours."

"it's alright. It's mine."

"no…you don't understand. After I was attacked..I never took the morning-after pill. I don't know why I didn't. Don't hate me."

"I could never hate you. And it doesn't matter. That baby's mine. And I'm glad you didn't take that pill. For some women..that's probably for the best. I don't believe in it, but some women can't handle it. We've both seen what can happen."

"You know..I always wondered if that pill had been available, would my mother have taken it? And the truth is, I just don't know.I'm scared, El. I do know what happens when women don't want their child."

"Do you want this baby?"

She nodded. "I wasn't sure. But the other night..when I saved that baby, I knew that I did. That baby's life is already more difficult than it should be. She was born to an addict. My mom could have easily…"

He pulled her close to him. "You're torturing yourself, you know. And for what it's worth...you're not your mother. You're going to be an amazing mom."

"How do you know that…you don't.."

"I do, Liv. I've asked myself those same questions..not exactly like yours, of course. But when Kathy first told me she was pregnant…I freaked out. I wanted to run away."

"But you didn't. Look at how well your kids turned out. They are lucky to have you as a father."

"All I know is that I didn't want to turn out like my father."

This was new. He had never spoken about his father, not even with her. After ten years she still learned something new about him every time they were together. "What happened."

For a few minutes he couldn't speak. This was new for him, opening up about his childhood. He'd only told a shrink once about it, but somehow it was different with Olivia. He just knew that she would understand.

"He..he used to beat me. One time he tried to hit me with a baseball bat. He threw it at me but I managed to duck. But he still hit me. For no reason. I didn't understand what I'd done wrong. It was like I could never measure up to his expectations. I thought that being a cop would be enough for him…but even that didn't please him."

"Oh El.."

"That's why I know I'll always love this baby. It's important to me that you know that. I know what it's like to be unwanted. I'll never leave you or the baby. I promise that I will love her..as much as I love you."

"Her? I think you want a girl." She grinned.

"I do..with you as a momma she'll be amazing. She'll turn out to be like you…Every daughter deserves a mother like you."

That was the most reassuring comment she'd ever heard. Somehow when he told her she would be a great mother, she believed it.

"I never told you…but you don't know how much you've helped me. It was so easy for me to see that you didn't deserve anything your mom did to you. You struggle to make sense of it..I don't know how I would have turned out if you weren't in my life. I know I get a little rough on the job. " He chuckled, trying to ease the conversation. This was probably the most intimate moment of his life, and it was more than a little overwhelming.. "More than a little rough. Don't say it. But I will never apologize to anyone for what I do. All that matters to me is that I've never laid a hand on my kids. "

No man had ever treated her like Elliot did. As a matter of fact, no one had ever made her feel so special. Her job was rewarding in so many ways, and she knew that she made a difference to those victims that she'd helped. For so long she'd defined herself by her job. It never even occurred to her that anyone could see another side of her. None of her boyfriends had ever understood her. They'd felt threatened by what she did for a living. Elliot made her feel like a woman…and he knew why she lived for her job. And now she knew that he loved her. Everything made sense now. The bond that they shared went beyond being partners on the job. He was her mate in so many ways. Listening to him right now was the best gift she could give him. Everyone needs someone who will truly hear what they need to say.

"And you ..you always take my side. Don't think I don't know everytime you defend me to IA. You've never once questioned why I get so tough on the perps. You've had my back, Liv. I don't always understand why, because all my life…I grew up thinking that I had to defend everything I do. But whenever I get hurt on the job you are there for me. I just don't know how I could ever thank you."

She kissed him passionately. "You just did."


End file.
